Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
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seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work