I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
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I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
🤣could you imagine
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.