Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
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*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
Found my door mat
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.