medusa but her hair is an anaconda
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As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir