With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
You Might Also Like
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.