The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
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Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
prepare for carbonated trouble
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
Had to try this trend 😊
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
is this store having a stroke wtf
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl