This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
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*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
decorating my apartment
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”