[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
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In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.