If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
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Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
How dramatic are you?
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
i prefer mine room temperature.
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please