I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
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If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
Is fructose made with real fruct?
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.