Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
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When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too