Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
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[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
*feels the wind in my toe hair
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW