DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
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Bed should get ready for ME
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole