GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
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my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
We have a winner.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???