That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
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Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
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Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.