[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
You Might Also Like
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
best first i’ve ever seen
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
awkward
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information