Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
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My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”