Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
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It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*