ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
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me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs