pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
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ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
Try and stop me.
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
。
。
.
.
.
.
.
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.