Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
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Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
#DesignFail
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.