Is this the real life?
Is this just
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My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
Time for evil
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?