Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
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I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
They’re called werewolves.
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.