[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
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Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!