cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
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*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
My wife has the worst taste in men.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?