She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
You Might Also Like
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
What a chick magnet..
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.
I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…
Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!
And I think this is my villain origin story.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total