18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
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friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet