More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
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if my sleeping schedule was a person
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
Baking is just science you can eat.
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.