If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
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I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
At the aquarium yesterday, my kid asked, “The sharks aren’t allowed to eat the other fish, right?” So if anyone asks, aquarium sharks are vegetarian
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.