If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
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My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
My boss: Do I pay you for napping?
Me: No, I do that for free.
God, I love Scotland
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
Who called them low rise jeans and not Teenage Waistband?
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
Did I do this right