Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
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I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
oh you wanna fight?!
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.