I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
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when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!