F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
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Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
operators are standing by to ignore your call
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.