[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
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can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!