“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
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Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
This hospital has everything
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep