Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
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If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.