Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
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How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY