[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
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“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
Pizza is an emotion right?
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed