“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
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mentally somewhere in italy
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed