Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
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*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
How actors in movies eat their food
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
When a shoelace touches your ankle
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
Fat chances are my favorite chances
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human