[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
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Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
Never forget.
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
‘I know a black person’
– White people
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*