Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
You Might Also Like
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
I’m giving up for Lent.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.