I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
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Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.