Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
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When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
#Caturday
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.