Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
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Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.