“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
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[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
me opening up to someone
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.