If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
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*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”