The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
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My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?