May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
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My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
I bet birds love this building.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
Jupiter
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
Happy thanksgiving!
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.