doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
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If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
Are we there yet?…
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes